#my first public drawing of lz...

[dewwshi]

this post touched me

[a2add0]

oo lots of posting today sorry gays

ruth wilson gilmore describes 'romantic particularism' as our tendency not to engage the complexities of power within groups that are already disenfranchised. or maybe it's the disenfranchised group's tendency not to like.. air the dirty laundry. she wants to make public the things we keep private

which...

is not what i thought it was gonna mean when i first read the words together i think, where's the romance? ahah but i've been trying so hard lately, looking for a balance of private / public, trying trying trying

the thing i named romantic particularism in my head was more... hmm.

talking to lz a few weeks ago about our insides and outsides. her inside stops at w the boundaries of her body she says. everything else is outside. the world she lives in is outside, all of her relationships are outside. she lives in public. she can't keep a secret, everything you tell her is public - she's working on this.

does this make any sense or are we too deep in each others jargon?

my inside and outside have stranger borders i tell her. you're inside, this conversation is inside. doni is inside, lio, tumblr, p much everything else gets a public mask - i'm working on this

i wonder about the borders of our romances. i've always felt that people draw too tight a circle around themselves, their couplehood? coupledom? an anxious grasping thing. there has to be a way for a relationship to feel like a safe harbor from which to encounter the world. public is the point i feel

nono not "the point" but maybe we call romantic love the laboratory. how we love each other is how we'll love the world

[potteresque-ire]

This is a response to @rainbowsky​ ‘s questions about BJYX, as the original post got too long for reblogging (I hope this is okay!). 1) Should we be worried about GG and DD being outed? I often think about what it’s like to be in the closet and I know how it feels to need to be SEEN. But I also understand the reasons why that might not be an option for them. Still, I worry about them being involuntarily outed. There are so many antis after them.

 2) What would you speculate is the likelihood of this ever happening, and what might be the consequences if it happened?Is leaving an option for them, even as a distant goal years from now?

3)Does their fame and popularity hold any protective power in the situation (i.e. if they were to come out or be outed, would public opinion about what might happen to them have any impact on the outcome given the nature of the regime)? To what degree would that depend on how much money they are still able to make for interested parties?

My response is under the cut, as it got long, as usual ~

@rainbowsky, you’re among the first BXGs I followed! I’d like to thank you for your insightful posts as well!

Your questions ~ I don’t think I’m qualified to speculate because I’m still a very new turtle and also because of the volatility as well as inconsistencies of China’s sociopolitical policies. I do have a better sense of China’s politics than most international fans, but I also don’t live there and the only way to truly understand how things work at the ground level in a non-transparent country like China is to be there.

(For example, China has officially banned Christmas celebrations  for the last several years, but as we saw last week, commercials remain very “Christmas-sy” and Chinese fans happily said Merry Christmas to each other. It takes someone who lives inside to know where to draw the line — what is permitted by the state and what isn’t — when the line shifts and adjusts accordingly.)

Here’re my thoughts, as of today (2020/12/31): if the perpetrator is only some segment of the fandom and the purpose is merely to knock them off the popularity pedestal, outing isn’t a particularly effective way to do so. Homosexuality, being a highly regulated subject in Chinese news and social media, is likely to mean limit transmission of the accusations. The accuser also has to run to risk of being banned themselves first. Also, with BJYX + ZSWW + LSFY being the sizes they are, the people who will most consider turning against gg and dd, ie, the solo fans, have probably already heard something. Some will leave, but the news won’t be a bombshell to them.

The next possibility is if a legal case becomes possible, ie. if China suddenly outlaws homosexuality. This scenario may seem the most dire on the surface but is also one that I least worry about, because with China’s judiciary system being very biased to those in power, if someone wants to frame gg and dd, they do not need to use sexuality as the accusation and subject themselves to the same restrictions as mentioned above. Tax evasion, as @peekbackstage has mentioned with the actress Fan Bing Bing, is far easier, because it tends the turn the audience against the defendant: these stars are making so much money and yet they’re not contributing their share! And as long as the accusers have sufficient power — remembering that commercial and political power are married in the country — the accuser can make up any evidence to suit their needs for any crime.

The third possibility is what I see as the worst case scenario: that the government decides they don’t want their major stars / entertainment industry to be *perceived* as queer — whether the stars are officially out doesn’t matter — and signals the media and commercial companies to stop using any “suspect” star altogether. (Chinese term: 封殺). This is the case of career murder without blood —  laws aren’t changed; all the fans will hear are rumours confirmed by nobody. I see this as a possibility because of the Xi regime’s view of The Ideal Men , and my admittedly limited experience with dealing with older generations of Chinese, who I’ve found tend to confuse perceived femininity in men with queerness. I think, and this is only my opinion, that the sheer amount of adapted BL dramas in production (the so-called “dangai 耽改 101” phenomenon) and the heated discussions of them on Weibo will at some point trigger the government (which is made mostly of older generations Chinese). Even if gg and dd don’t do anything, should the government decide these adapted BL dramas, even after the elimination of their queer element, are “non mainstream socialist core values”, all the major people involved with the Untamed—arguably the classic and the drama whose success all these follow-ups are trying to imitate—can be cast as the culprit. If the same officials become aware of BJYX and if they’re somehow convinced that BJYXSZD, it can be easy be used as evidence of the bad influence these dramas can do—“they can turn people gay”—and it doesn’t help that according to reports, gg, at least, used to have a girlfriend.

Something more to consider: Gg and dd are also in a very special position now, in that not only are they immensely popular in China, no other native mainland Chinese stars have achieved this level of international fame with a native mainland Chinese production (ie, not a production from Hollywood, Hong Kong or Taiwan, or with a Kpop band). As such, they are likely subjected to high levels of scrutiny from the state. Depending on who’s in charge in the appropriate department, they may decide gg and dd have to be China’s image; they may have a set idea of what image it is and most likely, it won’t be queer. 2021 and the first quarter of 2022 are special times for China, image wise, both at home and abroad. 2021 is the 100th anniversary of the Chinese Communist Party, and gg and dd are both starring in its propaganda productions (dd as a police in BAH and gg as an army officer in AT). CCTV, the state-controlled TV station, is already promoting these shows. So, for 2021, gg and dd are slated to not only be the faces of Chinese entertainment, but also the image of Chinese uniformed forces. If gg and dd come out or are outed, their allowing themselves to be being perceived as queer while donning uniforms will most likely to be viewed by the current regime as an embarrassment; a career murder, then, is an apt response to such transgression. 2022 is the year of Beijing’s Winter Olympics, so again, it’s the time where image matters.

You may have noticed a pattern, as I have as I write this up: them being outed is something to worry about, but also ... nothing more than anything else. If someone wants to tear gg and dd down — and there will be, given their massive commercial power right now and the increasing evidence that they’re working more like collaborators than competitors (ie, they aren’t about to tear each other down any time soon) — they do not need their sexuality as a reason.

(And if these accusers really want to use homosexuality as a reason, the unofficial BTS is, IMO, more than enough, as long as the accusers have sufficient power.)

Your other question ~ can gg and dd’s fame, popularity, and ability to draw consumers protect them? My (slightly) educated guess of the answer, then, is that it’s very much a double-edged sword. Indeed, the one major thing that may be going for these adapted BL dramas, and for those who come to superstardom to it — with gg and dd being the prime examples — is the economic health of China, which, by some reports that can no way be verified, are far worse than what has been reported. This is the thing about countries lack transparency; without reliable news, there’s no way to get the facts. Reports on China outside the country tend to be either propaganda or demonising / filled with conspiracy theories, and the truth is probably somewhere in between. If the reports of poor economy are true, the commercial sector — which, again, is tied to those with political power; ie the money made in the former goes into the pockets of the latter — desperately needs stars like gg and dd to move products (based on those recent consumer reports!) and with that, it will want to keep gg and dd and these dramas that can potentially make more gg and dd around. This *seems* to be what’s happening so far, with the the state-run media happy to show gg and dd’s dramas (when it should know, at least, that they got to the height of their fame playing lovers-not-lovers) and gg and dd’s sponsors not-so-subtly wooing the BJYX segment of fandom, so I’m tentatively optimistic. However, the current regime has also shown a willingness to sacrifice the economy for the sake of political ideology, so it’s not something to be taken for granted. (What’s going on in Hong Kong is a good example of that.)

(I always think, eat each candy like it can be the last one. With this regime, it can be. We can wake up tomorrow and gg and dd have to break up BJYX to protect the fans.)

(I always think, treasure, treasure, treasure. Ask for more dy and lz and Weibo posts, but never anymore from gg and dd when it comes to insights of their relationship, even without considering it’s actually their private lives and they’re under no obligation to share.)

(They’ve shared with us far more than enough.)

There’s really no precedence for us to predict the future of an outed gg and dd from, as far as I know. Confirmed queer stars in Chinese entertainment (those with sufficient followers to make news) have all been from Hong Kong, Taiwan and other countries. The successful BL dramas before The Untamed — Addicted (2016) and The Guardian (2018) — didn’t have a real-person cp that truly took off. Addicted, a true BL drama (ie, it retained the queer elements), was banned before it finished its broadcast. The two actors were also banned from appearing together afterwards, and this “signal” from the government almost cost the two actors their career. Bai Yu from The Guardian, meanwhile, already had a girlfriend as he filmed, so there was never a Weibo supertopic dedicated to him and Zhu Yilong. gg and dd, along with their millions of turtles, are treading untrodden ground.

Something I should clarify ~ all the things I said above may sound very scary to international fans, but to those who live in the country, they understand it as the way things are, and they strategise and move accordingly. This is their way of life. What I wanted to say, in my first reblog, is that we who’re outside may not understand why they do things the way they do, why they don’t, for example, come out with all the candies they are spending so much effort to give out, but I do believe that gg and dd have a plan, not in the sense that they’re scheming or trying to trick anyone, but that they are moving things along at the pace necessary to meet the pre-requisites for the outcome they want. What this outcome is is anyone’s guess, mine being that they have the freedom to work together, not necessary in lover’s capacity — most of us are not required to perform our day jobs carrying our identity as so-and-so’s significant other and gg and dd shouldn’t be exceptions — but as colleagues, professionals and friends (lovers are friends). 

To some international fans, this may sound implausible, ridiculous: why do they need a multi year campaign for something as simple as this? As working together again? And I suppose, all these words I’ve typed so far is my attempt to answer this question, to ease the … unease, the frustration of those who may not understand. True to its marxist root, perhaps, many things that are considered mindless, effortless tasks elsewhere somehow become battles, grand struggles of sorts in China. That sea of sea lights on the night of Tencent awards, for example? It was the result of gg’s fans fighting, strategising in real time to smuggle those LED banners in when they realised the venue had forbidden their entry. They wrapped the banners around their bodies under their underwear because they were patted down by security at the underwear level; they hid batteries in their shoes. They ran batteries from one zone in the stadium to another during the whole show for whose who only managed to smuggle in banners or batteries. They fought the security guards inside the stadium, who continued to snatch away their banners even after seeing they were merely support material for the idols. They fought and fought, despite their identities were recorded by their COVID pass and facial recognition. Many confessed they had no idea what gg was singing during the show; they were too busy. They were there, some paying scalpers > 10x the ticket price, just because they promised the sea of red would be there for gg when he returned. When some realised dd’s banners were confiscated in high numbers because his fans happened to have seats right by the strictest security, they improvised, found an image of a green block to show on their cell phones to make makeshift green support lights for dd. They used Weibo to spread this trick to fellow fans. All these trouble, all these effort, all these planning and scheming and sweat and tears — all for one night, one concert and they laughed about it, called it a wonderful day.

(There are many ways for lives to be hard.)

The very first thing gg and dd need to accomplish, therefore, isn’t to announce what they do in the bedroom—the very first thing they need, for their plan to come to fruition, is to stay on top of the industry. How can they be on the same stage for the yearly Tencent Awards if either of them fails to make VIP? What’s their negotiation chip for a future collaboration, when the current norm is against cps like them working together again, if they cannot draw enough viewers and consumers, or if they offend Tencent and other media companies by refusing to see to the needs of the other side (for example, the need to promote new dramas)? So far, the two of them have accomplished this in flying colours. The other thing they need right now, the way I see it, is for their fans to get along. I think part of the reason they’ve made BJYXSZD so easy to believe in and love, in addition to their very human need to be seen when their careers may be safer otherwise (yes, I think they know what they’re doing, the candies they’re throwing), is because they want their fans to unite, as they have united. To make sure something like 227 cannot happen again, or at least, if it does happen again, their fans cannot be used as an excuse, as scapegoats. And this union is happening — slowly, but it’s happening. The size of BJYX (>2.8 million as of now, on Weibo supertopic) is a powerful indicator; I also had a wonderful time reading the comments of gg’s solo fans who went to purchase dd’s new song. This is the part gg and dd need their fan’s help. This is the one of the fews things we, as overseas fans who have limited access to their products, can help.

Your final question — sorry, this is getting so long again — about leaving. Of course, it’s always up to the government and It’s impossible to say what can happen so far ahead. But my perception, right now at least, is that gg and dd have no intention to leave, no intention to sacrifice their career for their personal lives and vice versa. After all, this is a pair who has answered those A vs B choice questions with a straight-faced “I want both” and “so annoying” without a follow-up reply. They’re right to want both. I like them for wanting both. And maybe, with their intelligence, charisma and hardwork and ambition and personalities that seem to clash but somehow complements each other’s, they will figure out a way. Maybe they are, as the Chinese turtles call them, the Chosen Pair, and they will be the ones who’ll change the perception fo queer artists in China, and we’ll one day get a biography about them and laugh at the candies we get right, laugh harder at those candies we get totally wrong.

(Dd ~ I want your honest opinion, in your own words, on the ones we get wrong.)

(Gg ~ videos of your expressions while reading the crazy theories the first time will be very much appreciated. By me.)

It’s a good day to look forward to.

[parkersdashboard]

Lethal Justice Chapter 11

warnings: Daredevil season 2 spoilers, angst, angry Frank

“Colonel Ray Schoonover, United States Marine Corps.”

“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

“I do.”  My heart pounded, either caused by the three cups of coffee I had drank a few hours prior or the fact that I felt like I was hearing something I shouldn’t. I had maneuvered myself into the very front pew of the public gallery, and now I definitely couldn’t miss a single moment of this trial.

“Colonel, how long have you known the defendant?”

“I'd say, the better part of a decade. Most of his career in the Marine Corps”

“So you're familiar with his service in the Middle East? Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran?”

“Yes, very familiar.” Colonel Ray Schoonover seemed like an honest man, but I wasn’t about to make assumptions on just a few words.

“I wonder if you could tell us how Lieutenant Frank Castle won the Navy Cross?” I felt my heart in my throat, suddenly in on the big secret that Foggy was working on right in front of my eyes. This seemed like a media trick. Foggy is putting both sides of the story out, just like any good lawyer does, and ensuring that the public knows that Frank isn’t just some trigger-happy killer.

“Lieutenant Frank Castle was part of a small team. He was conducting a close target reconnaissance in the vicinity of the Hindu Kush. The mission became compromised, taking enemy contact on three sides. Lieutenant Castle wanted to abort. Said the mission was a bust, pulling the plug would save lives. Officer in charge said ‘no’”.

“And why was that?”

“Maybe he wanted more medals on his chest. Doesn't matter. Either way, Frank was right. They were cut off, boxed into a canyon… Within the first hour, the officer in charge of that mission got his arm blown off. So Lieutenant Castle assumed command. His only goal was to get his men out alive. The enemy had set up an ambush at the only LZ that would accommodate one of our birds.”

“Sorry, Colonel?”

“LZ is a landing zone that can accommodate a helicopter. So the enemy, they block this landing zone, knowing it was the only shot the team had to get out alive..All they had to do was wait.They knew that Frank's team had to come to them.”

“Fish in a barrel.”

“So to speak. Only fish don't know they're gonna die. These men did.Frank went to the LZ all by himself to draw the bastards away.” I had learned more about Frank during this trial than I ever had as his neighbor. Really says something about trust, doesn’t it?

“Why didn't he order one of his men to do it? He certainly could have…”

“Not his style. So the men hear the fire fight break out. All hell breaks loose. Frank against God knows how many,and then there was silence.The team thinks, ‘That's it, Frank's dead, and we're next’.Next sound they hear is the helos, the helicopters. They get to the landing zone, you know what they see? Frank Castle, standing there, grinning. Thirty-two muj surrounding him, all dead. Son of a gun cleared that entire LZ all by himself.” 

Oh, so he’s been crazy like this even before he was the Punisher? 

“How?”

“By being Frank Castle.”

“And his men survived?”

“All of 'em,Including the idiot officer that got 'em trapped in the first place.”

“If you had to sum up Frank Castle, how would you do it?” If I had a voice, I would describe him as crazy but very handsome. If only he didn’t have a criminal record, maybe we could have been something. 

“I would say Frank Castle is a man who would gladly give his life to keep others safe.”

“And the crimes he's accused of today? Could the man you knew have committed them?”

“Absolutely not. Lieutenant Frank Castle that I know is a hero. A man who deserves our respect and our gratitude. Not the same man.”

I wish I could convince myself it “the same man”, but I had witnessed Frank’s violent tendencies and knew it was still him. Maybe he was different during his time as a Marine, but now he was the Punisher, no matter how just his killing sprees were.

“I'd like to personally thank you for your service to this country, Colonel. My father served in Vietnam,” Reyes announced as if it was a justification for what she might say during her cross-examination.

“Do you know what he told me about medals?”

“No, ma'am” Somehow, Schnoover remained respectful. I know I wouldn’t if I were on the stand.

“He said the only people who truly know what happened are the ones that were there. You told a nice story, Colonel but how can we know that it happened the way you described?”

“Well, perhaps I wasn't clear...I was there, ma'am. That officer that didn't listen to Frank, got his men trapped you're looking at him. And believe me when I tell you, I thank God every day that I only lost my arm. That man saved my life, the lives of his entire team. If it was up to me, he'd have a Medal of Honor hanging around his neck.”

Holy shit. You tell her, Ray Schnoover.

“...The bullet penetrated Mr Castle's skull in the lower right quadrant, or more specifically, the sphenofrontal suture, which is the cranial suture between the sphenoid bone and the frontal bones, both here and here.” I had been zoning in and out for some of the trial, but I couldn’t pull my eyes away anymore. I sat in my seat, legs crossed as I took down notes, equally intrigued and shocked by the information I was hearing.

“I believe what my expert witness is trying to convey is that my client, Frank Castle, was shot point blank, execution style, in the head. Could you please describe the damage Mr. Castle sustained from the bullet?”

“It fragmented on impact, causing damage in both the right frontal lobe and temporal lobe of his brain.”

“What are the effects of such an injury?” Seeing Foggy in the courtroom was different then how I had experienced him in the past. It was a welcome change.

“Mr. Castle is suffering from what we call sympathetic storming. It's a heightened and ongoing state of fight or flight, in which the sympathetic nervous system is hyperactive. As if he is reliving the incident of trauma over and over again. It can plunge a seemingly peaceful individual into mental and emotional chaos.”

“Could you define it for the jury, please?”

“Extreme emotional disturbance. It's twofold.First, the defendant is so emotionally disturbed that he loses control. And second, the defendant has a reasonable explanation for said disturbance, from his point of view.”

“Are you aware that Frank Castle's wife, son, and daughter were all murdered right in front of him when he sustained the brain injury in question? An injury which, you say, keeps him in a perpetual state of mental and emotional chaos?” My heart sunk. I had never actually heard about Frank’s family. I just filled in the blanks that they were gone. I didn’t know it was that bad. I felt sick.

“I am, yes.”

A few days later, I was back in the court room, this time much more nervous and much more eager to get the day over. 

Frank’s testimony was scheduled for today.

I bounced my leg, as I quickly refreshed myself on my notes and desperately tried to conceal my fear.

“Uh, Your Honor, the Defense would like to call Frank Castle to the stand.” I held my breath as the bailiff brought Frank in, mostly out of anxiety, but also because he was wearing a suit.

Oh my god. He’s wearing a suit. 

The bailiff whispered something to him, and the butterflies in my stomach dissipated and replaced themselves with something much worse.

Something wasn’t right.

“Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

“Yeah.”

“Please state your name for the record.”

“Frank Castle.”

“Mr. Castle, you've been charged with multiple capital crimes.Been called a killer incapable of empathy or remorse.” Not true. Frank is one of the most empathetic people I know. But no one realizes that.

“Hmm, yeah. So I hear.”

“Frank... May I call you Frank?” Frank looked him up and down, almost dumbfounded by the question.

“Yeah.”

“Frank, we've heard a lot about neuro-chemistry and psychology, and all things unfolding, scientifically and otherwise, inside your brain. But I just have one question I want to ask: What happened that day? The day your family was so tragically killed. It's okay, Frank. I understand, it's difficult. Do you understand?”

“'Cause I don't think you understand shit.”

“I'd like permission to treat the witness as hostile, Your Honor?” Oh dear.

“Granted.”

“All right, Frank. You don't want to tell us? I'll tell you. I'm gonna tell you exactly what kind of man you are. You're the kind of man this city needs. Because, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we all know this city needs help. Needs it now. Not tomorrow, not next week, not when the day comes, when the corruption that Wilson Fisk left in his wake is flushed out for good, and the police force is finally back on its feet. We need it now. 'Cause this city's been sick. And the cops, they can't fix it alone, they need - We all need men and women who are willing to take the fight themselves. The kind of people who risk their lives so that we can walk safe at night in our own neighborhoods. The ones our esteemed District Attorney here is trying so hard to destroy. New York needs these people. We need heroes.” The room erupted with applause.

“Order.”

“The help they offer and the hope that they provide. Frank Castle wanted to help, but he took it too far. He shot people, he killed people. It's against the law. And he broke that law many, many times. Now, I don't like him any more than you do, but here's the thing, he's not a common criminal. He's not malicious in intent. Frank Castle is actually a good man. He just - He doesn't know the difference between right and wrong anymore. And he doesn't need punishment for that. He needs help. Our help. That's the kind of man Frank Castle is. And now, you have to decide what kind of jury you want to be. No further questions, Your Honor.”

“Your, uh Your Honor? Can I say something?” Frank spoke up. We made eye contact for what felt like forever. I had stopped taking notes a long time ago, my hands preoccupied by twisting the beads on my jewelry around and around.

“You may.”

“You know those, uh. Those people? The ones I put down, the people I killed? I want you to know that I'd do it all again. This is a circus, all right? It's a charade, it's an act. It's bullshit about how crazy I am.” His anger filled the courtroom, and it did nothing to help my anxiety.

“Language.”

“I ain't crazy! I'm not crazy. Okay? I know what I did.I know who I am. And I do not need your help. I'm smack-dab in the middle of my right goddamn mind, and any scumbag, any any lowlife, any maggot piece of shit that I put down, I did it because I liked it!” “Order!”

“Hell, I loved it! I'm sittin' here, I'm I'm just itching. I'm itching to do it again. And you think What, you think you're gonna send me to a nuthouse? Some doctor, they're gonna get me to stop from doing what I want to do? Well, that ain't happening! Not on my watch! You people, you call me the Punisher, ain't that right? The big bad Punisher.” I sucked in a breath. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t him. 

“Bailiff.”

“Well, here I am!” Frank shouted.

”Remove the witness.”

“You want it, you got it! I am the Punisher! I'm right here! You want it, I'll give it to you. And anybody who came here today to hear me whine, to hear me beg? Well, you can kiss my ass! Do you hear me? I'm guilty. Come on, please, Judge! I'm guilty, you hear me? I'm guilty! I'm guilty! I'll kill every one of 'em! I'll kill every single one!” The bailiff dragged him out as he screamed.

Tears pricked my eyes. He was sentenced promptly, as he confessed to his crimes, and court was dismissed. I made my way to the nearest bathroom, and was pleasantly surprised to see it was empty. I shut myself away into one of the stalls. My throat hurt from holding in my sobs, which quickly spilled from my eyes now that I was behind closed doors. My heart pounded, and I could hardly even catch my breath.

I loved Frank like oxygen. I had long ago come to terms that it wouldn’t work, but now, with the reality suddenly in front of me, I crumbled. Nothing could distract me from the waves of emotions coursing through my body.

I heard the door of the bathroom swing open, and heels click on the white tiles. I covered my mouth to mask my humiliating sobs and quickly attempted to compose myself. I pulled my sleeve over the palm of my hand and dabbed my tears away, all while listening for a stall door to close. Once I heard the click of the latch, I made my way out and made a desperate attempt to fix my makeup and left, keeping my head down.

This short chapter of my life had come to a close.

[keysmash]

AU where (***SPOILERS FOR THOSE WHO DIDN'T SEE THE FORUM ON NOVEL UPDATES***) LSZ hadn't lost his memory of WWX and the remaining Wen clan members.

ILY ANON! This AU is one of the few things I have lined up for, like, after I’m done with the soulmate HCs but since you asked, here you go (under the read more cut, because, SPOILERS!) It’s a lengthy one. I hope you enjoy this anon~

First of all, I’ll have you know that my muse while writing this down are obviously Wangxian by LWJ and You are my sunshine (Nick Lachey ver.). 

It starts with a dream, or memory - WWX hides little LSZ in a place he thought would be the safest, further away from what he thinks would be considered war loot. A-yuan hears a lullaby WWX sings to him every night and difts off to sleep

Before waking up from his dream, LSZ remembers WWX apologising to him for what’s going to happen (I would tell you to come kick my ass in hell, but I hope you’ll go to heaven, A-Yuan.)

When he wakes up in the cloud recesses, at least two weeks have passed since WWX died. He wakes up, panics and cries for for Xian-gege (Xian-gege where are you? I promise to be a good boy! A-Yuan will call you mama! I won’t call you Brother Poor. Wwaaaaaahhh)

LWJ takes the crying boy into his arms in an attempt to shush him. LSZ recognises his Brother Rich and cries harder. (I want Xian-gege! I want granny! I want- I want… Uwaaaaaa)

LWJ plays Inquiry every day with a sleeping LZS in his lap, usually crying himself to sleep calling for Xian-gege.

He stops crying himself to sleep after a few weeks but still accompanies LWJ every day as the latter plays Inquiry. (What are you doing? // Finding Wei Ying // Can you find Xian-gege this way? // Mm. // Can A-Yuan play too? A-Yuan will help find Xian-gege. // Can learn. // Will brother teach me? // When you’re older.)

When LSZ is officially recognised as a Lan, he remembers WWX telling him about “the rich sect with lots of rules”. He will study hard and be strong so that if WWX returns, LSZ can protect him. He doesn’t like to follow the older disciples into town. They all talk bad about WWX and LSZ won’t listen to them

He meets LJY for the first time when he turns seven. They end up in a fist fight because LJY talks shit about WWX (I bet he’s evil and ugly OWW what did you hit me for?!) They are punished to kneel and copy the rules for two whole months after classes. Within the two months, the boys reconciled and become fast friends (LJY: We’re BFF now yeah? Yeah!)

After a year or so, LSZ tentatively asks LJY: “What if I tell you I’m not actually a Lan?” He has read books about the Wens and slowly starts to understand the atrocity committed by the Qishan Wen Sect in the past. He wants LJY to know about him although he is scared of losing a friend. LJY simply tells him he doesn’t care even if LSZ is a demon king or whatever and that they’re friends either way. He’ll also fight other people who make fun of LSZ. I LIVE FOR THEIR FRIENDSHIP OKAY

When he turns 10, LWJ starts him on quqin training. After getting no answer 10 times, LSZ secretly breaks down crying before he goes to sleep. He gains a newfound respect for LWJ who never stops playing Inquiry for a long time. He starts calling LWJ Hanguang-jun out of respect although in his heart, LWJ will always be the kind Rich Brother and a dad.

LSZ studies, cultivates and trains diligently. He helps LWJ take care of the rabbits. (Hanguang-jun, how did these rabbits end up here? / Wei Ying.) At 10, LSZ is too young to understand LWJ’s real feelings so he thinks LWJ must have been a very close friend of WWX

LSZ lights incense and prays for his fallen family members every year on the anniversary of the siege. He visits the kitchen and makes spicy congee as an offering and plays Inquiry in a solo attempt to find WWX.

One night, he dreams about his family and wakes up earlier than usual. He sits at his desk and draws the faces of everyone he loves and misses. When LJY asks, LSZ says he is scared of forgetting their faces, so he wants to draw them while he can still vividly remember how they look like.

LWJ finds his drawing. LSZ apologises for wasting time on mundane things and expresses his readiness to accept punishment. LWJ asks him to describe each and every person in his drawing. LSZ happily complies

When they arrive at WWX’s drawing, LSZ sees the changes in LWJ’s expression and offers LWJ his drawing. He’s not surprised when LWJ takes the drawing and thanks him for it.

At 12, the young disciples go on an excursion to Caiyi Town. LSZ discovers a romance novel and secretly buys it. In the novel, the character has achieved immortality and waits for hundreds of years to be reunited with his deceased lover, traveling to many places for a chance to meet each other. LSZ thinks the character is similar to LWJ and realises with a jolt how LWJ must have felt for WWX.

One night, he silently joins LWJ to play Inquiry next to him. LWJ looks at him questioningly. LSZ simply says “I also love Xian-gege.” and plays his quqin. “When I meet him again, I’ll surprise him and call him Mama. He was so jealous when he thought I cried and called you papa the first time we met, Hanging-jun. Uh… Sorry for my ugly crying, haha.” He swears LWJ actually smiles a little but when he blinks, the hint of a smile is no longer around.

One evening, LWJ hears LSZ playing a melody he has never taught the boy (wangxian). It isn’t 100% the same but very similar so he asks LSZ about the song. (Xian-gege used to sing it for me when I had trouble sleeping. Sometimes he plays the tune with his flute. It’s very different than the other songs he played).

By the time he starts training with guest disciples from other sects and meet Jin Ling, LSZ has calmed down enough to not react badly when people thrash talk WWX. In a way, he understands why JL is the way he is but he is not afraid to voice out his opinions when he thinks it’s necessary.

Like LWJ, he listens to stories about JC capturing demonic cultivators and hopes none of them is WWX.

One time, LSZ buys every copy of a book depicting the evil deeds of the Yiling Patriarch from a street vendor, highly exaggerated to the point of obvious slander (WHAT IS THIS BOOK? XIAN-GEGE WOULD NEVER INFLICT PAIN ON PEOPLE FOR FUN!) He burns every single copy to dust.

In class, they learn how to use the tools invented by WWX in night hunt (like the compass and the flags). LSZ sighs at the irony of people hating on Yiling Patriarch but still making full use of what he left behind.

The request for an exorcism at Mo Village arrives and LSZ is in sent out because from the request received, the matter doesn’t seem very difficult for even junior disciples to handle.

When he reaches Mo Village in the morning, it feels like any other village he had previously visited. At around noon, however, he feels a subtle change in the atmosphere.

Seeing fierce corpses fight each other reminds LSZ of his childhood. He feels a pang of nostalgia when he remembers WN but shakes it away to focus on the intense fight.

When he hears MXY play a hastily carved bamboo flute, LSZ is stunned. He knows there are many people who venture into demonic cultivation and want to be as strong as Yiling Patriarch but the melody played, although much poorer in quality probably due to the flute, sounds nostalgic.

When WN appears, LSZ has to stop himself from breaking down in tears because Brother Ning who protected him, played with him, took care of him, whom everyone thought to have been ground to dust, has returned. When WN roars at the cultivators who gang up to capture him, LSZ wants to interfere.

Before he could, MXY plays a soft melody to calm WN’s bloodlust. LSZ recognises the song straight away as his childhood lullaby. (“A nice song isn’t it?” WWX asked little LSZ in the past. “I’ll only play it so you can sleep, okay A-Yuan? I’m going to lose face if people hear the feared Yiling Patriarch playing songs like this in public hahahaha”

He sees LWJ protecting MXY from JC and all his doubts are cleared. WWX has returned in the body of MXY.

LSZ runs to stand by LWJ an WWX and tries to reason with JC. (“I won’t let him take you, Xian-gege”). He is the only disciple not surprised at all when LWJ brings WWX to The Cloud Recesses.

Following LWJ’s lead, he pretends to play along with WWX’s charade as MXY until LWJ tells him otherwise. It’s okay, he thought. We have waited 13 years. What a little more? Besides, the wait is already over. LSZ can’t wait to show WWX what he has learnt. He wants WWX to be proud of him.

Later, LSZ thinks, it is really impossible to doubt that it is indeed WWX in MXY’s body. WWX’s smile, although in a different body, is the same cheeky smile he remembers.

And so LSZ waits.

Should I continue?